Manners. What a landmine. I remember my parents' efforts to teach them to me as a child. The nagging. My irritation. The awful dinner hours. And how glad I was, by the time I was in high school at a restaurant with a new boyfriend, that I knew what to do with my forks and my napkin and my olive pits. Although I don't see the children I teach at meals very often, I do see all kinds of other manners. And it is evident which children have been taught some of the social niceties. Here are the manners I wish every child knew:
1. Use a tissue. Sometimes I offer a tissue to a child with a finger up the nose to the second knuckle. He's digging for gold nuggets. Offering the box, I say, "Here, Norbert." And Norbert replies, "What's that for?" Ditto for the child sniffling all through the story. On the other hand, several polite little people actually step away from the group before blowing their noses. Wow!
2. Say hello to people by name. Every single day, Scott Imlay, our Captain of the Carpool, says hello to every elementary student BY NAME. I notice which kids answer in kind. And which kids totally ignore his friendly greeting or look at the ground and grunt. There are three boys, brothers, who come to the library every afternoon. They greet me by name when they arrive, and they say goodbye to me as they leave, smiling, wishing me a good weekend. I adore them.
3. When you ask an adult a question, hang around for the answer. This one amuses me and it happens almost daily.
Regina, age 7: Do you have any books with the tooth fairy?
Me: Yes, they are right over here. Here you go, Regina...wait, where did you go?
And Regina is off chatting with friends across the library.
4. Don't interrupt. Just because you say "excuse me" doesn't mean you can interrupt. I'm talking to you, Grace. Like other teachers of young children, I explain over and over that the best way to get an adult's attention, when the adult is talking to someone else, is to stand quietly nearby. Saying "Excuse me" louder and louder, Grace, just doesn't cut it.
5. Say please and thank you. Some kids say it, many don't. I can do an extended reference interview and help a child find five perfect resources for her report and she doesn't acknowledge the effort at all. Conversely, I can name a dozen kids who ask politely for help and thank me appreciatively. Thank you, parents.
6. Say "I'm sorry." The art of the apology is a magnificent one. The little girl who says to her classmate, "I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were ahead of me in the checkout line" already has considerable social capital. And the fifth grade boy who looked me in the eye and said "I'm sorry" when I told him a family member had died--I remember it with gratitude every time I see him.
7. When you are late to a class, slip in quietly. I don't like to punish the prompt kids by making them wait for stragglers. My class gets started, the lesson or story is underway, and one or two loud children burst in, shouting "We didn't hear the teacher call us! We were on the playground!"
8. Compliments only, please, no personal comments.
"Natalie, your tooth sure is crooked." 'What is that weird bump on your foot?"
9. Move aside if you are in a bunch on the sidewalk and someone needs to get by. Notice if others are being inconvenienced. I'm talking to you, high school students!
10. Be kind. I see little acts of kindness all day. Sharing a lunch, offering a seat, holding a door, offering sympathy -- we can explicitly teach children that we value these kinds of acts. They make our school a good place to be.
And now, for your viewing pleasure, Mind Your Manners, 1953 (11 min). Remember this sage advice: "Girls, let the men help. They enjoy it." And I loved the comment,
"Jack goes through this entire film being unbelievably polite, but the weird leer on his face makes you wonder what he's really thinking." Your own comments are most welcome -- click on the button below.
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