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Monday is elementary conference day when parents come in for their 30 minutes with their child's teacher. Psychologist Michael Thompson, author of numerous books for parents, writes eloquently about this annual or bi-annual rite.

"Fear infects the relationship between independent school teachers and independent school parents--a fear that is often denied and only painfully approached." Wow - what a disturbing and startling notion. Parents and teachers bring many fears to their relationship, some rational and some not. Our school has worked hard to demystify the world of the parent-teacher conference, including hosting Michael Thompson a few years ago.

In his talk, Thompson observed that parents are trapped by their love for their child, anxious that they themselves don't measure up as parents, and sometimes transfer their own past negative experiences in school. Teachers, who may spend more hours of the day with a child than the parent, have immense power over that child's life. At the conference, the parent may deploy the professional skills that have worked for her so well out in the world, even though they might not be helpful in a school situation. For example, a litigator may cross-examine the teacher or a mental health professional might analyze the motives of the teacher.

On the other side of the coin, teachers bring a variety of fears to the conference table. Teaching is organic, difficult, intensely personal and hard to measure. Meanwhile, teachers are seen by parents through the distorting eyes of children. (I vividly remember one parent who believed his child who claimed to have been banned from the library for overdue books. For the record, I've never banned a soul in my life.) Teaching is a low status job in our culture, putting teachers at a psychological disadvantage with highly accomplished parents. Good teachers spend their day identifying with the feelings of children and using language and vocabulary appropriate to the ages they teach. It can be a challenge to switch gears. Thompson writes, "Every teacher has been scarred by at least one threatening, out-of-control parent."

Ultimately, Thompson argues, teachers need to remember that parents are sometimes afraid because of their profound love for their child, and parents need to remember that teachers often feel exquisitely vulnerable. If both act accordingly, they can work together to make a strong partnership on behalf of the child.

And why, you may ask, is the librarian reflecting on all this when she doesn't conduct conferences? Ahh. Because the teachers, especially at conference time, often send parents to our rich parenting section for books! Check them out! We've got books on learning styles, diet and eating disorders, anxiety, child development, children's literacy...and, of course, titles by Michael Thompson:

• Mom, They're Teasing Me: Helping Your Child Solve Social Problems
• Best Friends, Worst Enemies: Understanding The Social Lives of Children
• The Pressured Child: Helping Your Child Find Success in School and Life
• Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys

And, speaking of Cain, here's a 10 minute video about a boy that I would love to teach at Paideia. It's worth the time it takes to watch it-- and click the comment button below to let me know what you think. The ingenuity and creativity of children is why I come to work. Thanks to Lyn Thompson for the link.

(Click here if the embed doesn't work.)