Celebrities Who Write for Children

SMN.

Julie Danielson, who blogs brilliantly about children's literature at Seven Impossible Things Before Breakfast, posed a survey question: What are the worst books for children by celebrities? The list (below) tells us that these people believe writing for children just can't be as hard as writing for adults. All you have to do is simplify it -- dumb down language and message -- and explicitly state a moral, and you're set: the kids will love it. So ask: Would this book have been published if it had been written by someone else?



Watch here and gag as yet another tv star tells a talk show host that she's considering writing a children's book. (And compare with the brief video, which I posted earlier, showing real children's writers speaking with humor and eloquence about their work.) It would all seem relatively harmless until we realize that when a publisher chooses a book by a celebrity, it displaces other worthy titles that might actually enrich the genre. Award-winning author Jane Yolen thoughtfully addresses the damage here.


And now, may I have the envelope please? The nominees for the worst, complete with wicked comments from librarians and reviewers from Seven Impossible Things Before Breakfast , School Library Journal's Fuse #8 and What Adrienne Thinks About That:


Tori Spelling, Presenting Tallulah. An astonishing display of self-pity and entitlement in the 'poor little rich girl' vein. Writes one blogger, "This is a joke, right? I saw this and my brain melted a little. Has MotherReader seen this nonsense? Now I have to go do something to soothe my poor damaged soul."

Billy Crystal, I Already Know I Love You. Sincere, insipid and trite. It "... is a grandpa’s book NOT a children’s book. Indulgent in all the worst ways (drowning in sentimental syrup, bad poetry and told from an adult’s POV.)"

Katie Couric, Blue Ribbon Day. "... is an embarrassment of forced rhymes and bad writing. Plus she hits kids/parents over the head with the MORAL OF THE STORY (which she actually explains at length in a lengthy “quote from the celebrity”.)

Joy Behar, Sheetzukakapoopoo. "She obviously thinks kids are so stupid you must beat them over the head with a moral lesson, and need not bother wrapping it in a decently written story."





Glenn Beck, The Christmas Sweater. "Glen Beck is to Christmas, as dog poop is to sandwich."
"... you don’t often come across stories so trite, hackneyed, and just plain treacly. It took 5 people to write and illustrate this execrable picture book. I don’t think you could find a worse example of celebrity tripe."



But the overwhelming winner was.... .Madonna, The English Roses and others titles, almost universally despised by the children's literature community:

• "Can be summed up thusly: Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful . . . and rich . . . and have snow cone ta tas…"
• "The English Roses: I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that this awful series led to colony collapse disorder."
• "The worst: gotta go with madge. the english roses and their plot/moral: OMG PEOPLE ARE SO JEALOUS OF THE BEAUTIFUL AND IT IS RILLY RILLY WRONG! the emaciated uber-fashiony superchic fulvimari illustrations do not help."
• "It's not her fault if she's rich and beautiful and popular-- you should give her a chance to help you."
• Or, "... her first English Roses book (the one with the deus ex machina grandma who solves everything by telling the cliquey girls to be nice to the newcomer because her mother is dead)."
• "Feeling sorry for someone is what makes you like someone? really?"
• "Madonna’s books are pretty bad, and the one I read was also stolen - a Buddhist parable made truly awful by La Madonna."

I brought this topic up with a group of 11-12 year olds and they all exclaimed: "Snooki! Snooki wrote a book!" For the first time in memory, Good Morning America did not host the winners of the prestigious Newbery and Caledcott awards this month. The excuse? They had already booked.... Snooki! Snooki takes priority over real literature! Granted, hers is not a book for children but our kids know all about it. Anybody have any other worst (or best) celebrity titles to add?




Two of the finest children's writers said it best:


"Sure, it's simple, writing for kids . . . . Just as simple as bringing them up."
-- Ursula K. LeGuin.

And from The Master:

"Anyone who writes down to children is simply wasting his time. You have to write up, not down. Children are demanding. They are the most attentive, curious, eager, observant, sensitive, quick, and generally congenial readers on earth. They accept, almost without question, anything you present them with, as long as it is presented honestly, fearlessly, and clearly."
--E.B. White.